Because elastic pants aren't ideal

My daughter has some sensory things going on, so from a very early age she has worn nothing but leggings. As long as the waist is elastic (no buttons, snaps, zippers) she'll wear it, and Old Navy has leggings for cheap. Done. I am now 44 years old and don't have the same sensory things going on, so I will wear jeans, shorts, or pants with buttons or snaps or zippers.

Over the last two years, my activity level has gone way down. I stopped playing softball, and I have reduced my running to almost a dead stop. After finishing the Grand Rapids Marathon in 2014 I fell into a polar vortex funk, using my newly acquired tendonitis in my ankle and the horrible winter as an excuse for not being more active. I was happy to sleep in on Saturday mornings, stay home with the kids on week nights, and continue with my food intake as if I was still training for the marathon. It was both a blessing and a curse when I discovered that Vera Wang made workplace appropriate pants with elastic in the waist line. Damn you, Vera!

Elastic pants should be reserved for kids like my daughter, toddlers wearing diapers, and adults on Thanksgiving a after the feast. While these pants are very comfortable, I never planned on them becoming such a staple in my wardrobe, let alone the only pants I could fit into for a full winter season. I initially intended to wear them through last winter season and get my butt in gear in the spring so I could get myself back in shape and back into my regular work pants. Then summer crept up, and whadda know - I barely squeezed into any of my summer wear. When you're unbottoning at your desk at work by 10AM, something is drastically wrong. Time to make some changes.

I started by going back to full-on Paleo in spring. Kind of fell off the rails over Derby weekend in May. Got back on the horse some time in June, and have done sort of OK since. I have run on and off during the summer months, but not enough that I'd even say I'm running. My hip took a bad turn, literally, to the point where I could barely walk until I went back to my PT, tail between my legs, and got it set back in place. That was a bit of a scare, I'll be honest. I haven't had a good long run since August 2015 when I was in San Francisco visiting family. It hurts, and it sucks. I need to get back into shape so I can run again, and keep my body from revolting.

Enter - dietary changes. Big ones. I can't ignore it any longer. Enter - exercise. I run, I like it, I can do it, it's easy for me, and I miss it. Running isn't going to get me into the shape I need to be in to stay healthy. My hips aren't going to just magically stay in place without some help. I have to focus on long term health, not just getting through the next marathon, the next 5K PR, or fitting into pants. 

Welcome, my second Whole30. My first foray into Whole30 was in April 2013. I was introduced to it, and Paleo life, by a good friend of mine, and we did the 30 day adventure together with another friend. It was pretty awesome, I have to admit. It changed the way I eat and the way I look at the food I cook for me and my family. I made a half-hearted attempt at it again last November and I crashed and burned. I wasn't mentally in the game, and I didn't plan like I should have. This time is different.

I'm now meeting with a personal trainer to develop a workout plan. I joined the chintzy fitness center at the end of my street so I have a place to go away from the kids, the kitchen, and messy house, to focus on me. I'm declaring my readiness, and making myself accountable. I've set a few short term goals for myself which are realistic and attainable. In the longer term, I'm looking at getting back to marathon training. In the longer long term, I am excited to have more energy, more strength, and less time saying, "I'm injured". No more excuses. Time to prevent the injuries!

I'm only putting this out there because one of the first things I need to do is acknowledge my commitment. I have to make this real. I have to step outside my comfort zone. I have to follow through. I'm not a gym rat, I hate gyms. This fitness center is less of a gym and more like someone's basement that a few people visit on occasion and I like that. It's not crowded. It's not full of skinny bitches, guidos, and sweaty assholes. It's not the most modern facility, but I have to get out of my house and make this happen. Fitness and health don't just happen, you have to make them happen.

I'm excited for this Whole30 because I want to feel better, and I know this will get me there. Nothing is easy, but I know I can do this. You're probably wondering, what the hell is Whole30? All I'm going to say is it's all over the 'web, so I'm not going to reinvent the wheel. Visit the web site, or Google it, and learn for yourself. That's the beauty of the internet!

So there, I said it. I'm doing it. I will begin my Whole30 on November 1st. I'm preparing menus, shopping lists, and I'm preparing my mind. I'm no food photographer, and I don't like to stop and take pictures of every step of something I'm doing. I do need to keep some sort of diary of my progress, and when I think of it and have the time (ie: when I'm not cooking and food prepping) I'll do that here. I'm not one to go shout from mountain tops and tell everyone they should do this, and I'm not here to get anything out of using my blog to track this, only to give my brain a space to unload and share my experience, and maybe some bad pictures of good food. If that's not inspiring, I don't know what is, right?

Me time, week 8

Eight weeks.  I've been taking time for myself now for eight weeks.  Well, I missed a couple Sunday mornings, but the point is I've been thinking about ME for eight weeks now.  What a difference eight weeks have made.

Two months ago I was angry, tired, and disappointed.  I felt like I was at the end of my rope.  I needed a break.  I needed to reconnect.  I needed a change.  I reached out for help.

I met a new friend who helped me understand that what I was going through was not uncommon, but also not unimportant.  My challenges were just that, challenges, not obstacles.  I could work through the challenges, and I could free myself of the anger, fatigue, and disappointment.  Life as a working mom doesn't have to be an uphill battle.  It can be, and is, fun, fulfilling, and worthy.  I am worthy.  I am fun.  I am not crazy.

On this journey, I've found the inherent truth in the adage, "When Mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".  I've also uncovered, and come to appreciate, the unique aspects of what makes up me and the person that I've become.  One of those things is ADHD/ADD.  I've passed the "honeymoon" period of excitement and relief, and have arrived at the stage where the work begins.  I've spend the last month since my diagnosis piecing together aspects of my life which have been shaped by the ADD which I've dealt with, unknowingly, most of my life.  I've made the connection between things I thought I couldn't do, and living with something that simply makes those things more difficult for me to do.  I've come to see that there is little that I "can't" do, and that I'm really not as inept in many areas as I once thought I was. 

One of the ways I've come to reconnect is by carrying out the assignment my new friend gave me, which is to leave the house each week.  Leave the house, don't just sit in a room with the door shut trying to block out the chatter, cries for Mommy, and sounds that are going on in the house.  Not having any clue how to do this, I finally just picked a Sunday morning and left the house, and headed to a local Panera.  There, I got to know a cast of characters, both patrons and employees, who provided me with plenty of people watching material.  After a few weeks of going there, though, I lost the magic.  I wasn't drawn there any longer.  I could tell that I wasn't really spending time on me, I was spending time listening to the conversations, watching interactions, learning how people order their bagels, and getting annoyed by that damned bagel cutter.  I struggled with whether that was really my just right spot, or if it was time to find another.

Fast forward to today.  After a week off, it was time for me to leave the house for my Sunday morning me time.  Where would I go?  I seriously struggled with what to do.  I finally decided to head to the Panera closer to my house.  I chose Panera because I have a fun toy (which I'm writing on right now) that I wanted to try out.  Now that I've become comfortable with the concept of "hanging out" in one of these coffee venues, I needed a comfortable place to play with my new toy, but one which wasn't as busy as the other place.  I think I've found my just right spot.  This location is slightly smaller, much more open, and tons more inviting.  What a difference.  It's not quite as busy and is not in the center of town.  The staff are friendly, showed me the table where the coffee is, and I've seen most of the customers come in and be greeted with familiarity, as they are obviously regulars, or at least know the staff better than a first-timer like me.

In an area like this, just outside Chicago, it's easy to get lost.  Not just the directionally challenged kind of lost, but, lost in the proverbial shuffle.  On one hand, it's nice to know that everyone doesn't know every time you sneeze, fight with your spouse, or turn without using your turn signal.  On the other hand, it can be tough to have that Little House on the Prairie feeling of knowing your local business owners, knowing your neighbors, and knowing that your community is there for you when you need it.  It is possible, though.  I feel, in this one small spot in this one large city, that I'm comfortable and welcome.  This is a huge business, it's not a local shop (still looking for one of those, they're so few and far between any more).  Still, in this one store, I walked in and felt comfortable.  Perhaps I wouldn't have felt so out of place that first week if I'd been in here. 

Anyway, this time I've been taking for myself has allowed me to recharge a little and refocus on the positive.  It's given the kids time to reconnect with their Daddy.  It's given us all that little break we were all needing.  Now, Momma's happy.  Now I think we're all happy.

Me time, week 7

 Has it really been seven weeks?  It's almost hard to believe.  I have felt so much more relaxed and patient since starting this project on me, it's hard to believe I wasn't taking time for myself before.

I had a bit of an "off" weekend this weekend, not taking my usual me time the way I have been.  I've only had one other Sunday when I didn't do my Panera morning, and if I weren't keeping track of my me time, I'd be at risk now of falling out of practice and not returning to taking time for myself.  Fortunately, between writing about it and reporting back to my new friend about it, I am accountable and responsible for taking time for myself.  Good thing.

I am a bit late in writing since my me time is on the weekend, but I figure better late than never.  I'm ADD like that, that's how I roll. 

I will start with our Saturday.  I needed to grocery shop in a bad way and Saturday we had nothing on the calendar.  I love days like that when I can do what I need to do without running against the clock.  I tried to write out my weekly menus for four weeks this time, rather than my normal two, but, with the need for things like toilet paper and some other non-food staples, I succeeded in getting a two week menu planned, and could get another week out of what I have on hand, just didn't write it out.  This was going to be a five store trip.  Five stores, really?  Yes.  I am not a coupon girl, nor do I watch sales ads like a hawk, but, I do know where certain things are cheapest, most plentiful, best quality, and when I get the ads I do scan them for good deals.  Regardless, I did have to hit Target for this trip, and as it turned out they were having a special event in celebration of Dr. Seuss' birthday.  Come on kids, we're going to Target!

At the store, there were a handful of employees and two tables set up in what used to be a self-checkout lane.  Apparently Target shoppers aren't too keen on self-checkout, at least not at the few stores I've been to around here.  I digress...  On the tables were Seuss books scattered about, inviting kids to come on over to listen to the stories being read by the employees.  Long story short, you get what you're paying for.  It was a free event, and the employees are probably better at stocking shelves and scanning purchases then reading these books, which can be challenging to the most adept reader.  Either way, it was a nice event and the kids each got their own mini reusable Target bag, which had a sheet of stickers and a pencil inside.  The kids got to enjoy some animal crackers and juice boxes as they listened to the stories, which was a nice little perk.  Overall, I think it was a neat idea. 

After Target, I deposited the kids back home with Daddy and continued on my way.  After completing several stores, I returned home to feed everyone at lunch (including myself), and after the kids were down for nap and quiet time, I headed back out to the last two stores.  It honestly felt so good to do this massive trip and get the things I needed.  I know most people can't imagine going to that many stores for groceries, but it works for me. 

Once I got home and unloaded all my purchases, I got out the items I would need for our dinner.  I clipped a recipe from the newspaper a year or so ago, and this dish has become one of my favourite dishes to make.  It's "baked pasta alla pizzaiola" and it's yummilicious.  I enjoy making it as much as I enjoy eating it, so I always make sure I have this dish on the menu on the weekend, and on a day when we don't have other plans.  The dish is basically a red sauce served over your choice of hearty pasta, with grilled veggies and meats of your choice added in, sprinkled with a fresh or shredded cheese of your liking.  Oooohh, it's so good (let me know if you want the recipe!).

On this particular Saturday, my husband wanted to get in touch with one of his friends and see if our families could get together in the afternoon.  For us, this means after nap time, and by that point, we might as well include dinner in those plans, otherwise our plans would end up being about an hour, then we'd have to head out and go eat.  Luckily, when those plans involve another family with young kids, it usually works out well for both of us.  After a little coordination, I made my yummy pasta dish and we took it to our friends' place and enjoyed a two family dinner of baked pasta, fresh fruit, and garlic bread, served with a nice red wine.  It was really nice to see these friends, we haven't seen them in quite a long time.  All in all, it was a great night sharing good food with good friends, we couldn't have asked for more.

My Sunday didn't go quite like my Sundays have been going for the last several weeks.  I had agreed, earlier in the week, to watch a neighbor's little girl, whom Ethel loves playing with.  I'd agreed that we'd watch her at 8AM, until her mom got home sometime late in the afternoon, just before dinner time.  No biggie.  The kids play well, and with the kids occupied it often makes the day easier for Mommy and Daddy.  For some reason, I told Daddy that I'd stay home and not do my Panera morning, since I was the one who'd agreed to watch R for the day.  This is where things took a turn.  I think in my mind I was really itching for that time out of the house, but was trying to live up to my responsibility having agreed that R could spend the day with us.  I knew that Daddy could handle it all, but, chose to stay in. 

With plans to go to a friend's house in the afternoon for a home jewelry show, I called her to find out if there was anything I could bring.  While we talked, I asked if she minded me stopping over for a bit, so I did.  I accompanied her on a short shopping trip for some last minute goods for her afternoon show.  I was gone for two hours, and made it home just in time to get lunch served to the crowd.  I apologized to Daddy when I got home, because I knew when I left that he wasn't happy that I'd suddenly changed my mind.  Was it the end of the world?  No.  Were the kids just fine?  Yes. 

After lunching, I got the kids settled into their quiet times, got the girls set up with Ethel's Lite Brite, and got myself ready.  I made the dip I promised to take to my friend's place and headed out.  I had very little time to do lunch, get ready, and make my dip, but, I sped through it all and had enough time to get to my friend's place a little bit early.  Unfortunately, I had a really nice time at her house and didn't watch the clock.  I finally checked the time and it was 5:30PM, that's when I'm normally calling everyone for dinner.  Ack!!

I rushed home, and somehow got salmon, rice, and green beans on the table by 6:30PM.  Sunday nights are bath night for the kids, so I had to get them a quick bath after dinner, too!  Ack, what have I done?!  I hate being rushed, I hate being late, and I generally don't handle that type of situation well.  The kids really like playing in the bath, too, but I had to make this one a fast bath, which they didn't appreciate very much.  I realize now how nice our Sunday nights are when we have a nice dinner together, and it's not all rushed.  Note to self, for sure.

Luckily, the closing ceremonies of the Olympic Games were on, so once we got everyone dried and into their PJ's, we all nestled onto Mommy and Daddy's bed to watch them.  We really enjoyed the Games, and I'm always sad to see them end.  As it turned out, it was a fitting end to a busy weekend.  All four of us cuddled up on the bed watching the closing ceremonies.  As I got Ethel all tucked into bed and kissed her little forehead, I realized just how lucky I am.  I have a wonderful family.  My husband loves me despite my impulsive actions, selfish moments, and disorganized days.  In the end, we are a family and we have each other, and that's the most important thing of all. 

It's ME time

17 January

Alone time is something that I don’t treat myself to, and hadn’t had any of until this morning. At the urging of a new friend, I’ve been instructed to leave the house once a week and depart from the rigors of life as a mom, if even for a short time. Skeptical, I agreed and began the assignment this morning.

My husband is entirely supportive of my having “me” time. We discussed and agreed on the best, or at least a good, time for me to have this time alone, and Sunday mornings won. For one thing, it’s his day to “wake up with” the kids. Now, I generally am the one who is woken by one or the other monkeys stirring, or coming into our room in the morning. So really it’s his morning to get out of bed with them and begin their day. This morning was a great one, starting at 5:50AM. I was woken from a pretty good sleep to the sounds of, “Daddy….I have bleeder coming out!” coming from the next room. Poor Fred has suffered nose bleeds for a while now, and he had a pretty good one this morning.

I got him settled and cleaned up, laid a towel over the stains on the sheets so that he could lay back down for at least a short time. He rocked with his Daddy for a bit before they agreed that he would just read a book in bed. I, then, laid in bed listening to him turn the pages and talk about the book, and sing whenever it popped into his head. Daddy has that desirable ability to fall back asleep, which he did, so I pulled out my iPod Touch and checked my Facebook page, played a little Scrabble, and tried to pass some time in hopes of being able to drift off again. Nope, didn’t happen.

I think my husband got out of bed some time between 6:30 and 7AM and got the kids dressed and downstairs for breakfast. I, then, got out of bed and hopped on the computer for a bit to look for the hours of some places I’d considered going to this morning during my scheduled alone time. 8AM-10AM is a great time for alone time, but, there isn’t much open at that hour, especially on a Sunday. Book stores (my first choice), closed. Library, closed. This left breakfast places and coffee shops. I don’t want to go somewhere and spend money I don’t really have to spare on breakfast alone, and I don’t want to go spend a ton of money on coffee which I could make myself at home for a fraction of the per cup cost. Yes, finances are tight and if I’m going to treat myself to time without the family regularly, it can’t add up to a small fortune.

OK, so venue chosen, I finally prep myself for public presentation. Well, I basically spruced up enough to allow myself to be seen without looking like a homelss person. Ponytail, contacts in the eyes, jeans and a sweatshirt, and I was all set. Here I go!

I chose a local Panera and grabbed a few dollars from a little jar which I keep spare singles in so I could get a coffee. I’ve been to Paneras over the years, but never alone and just to sit. So I grabbed a book, hoping to get a few pages read if I found a comfy enough spot at the restaurant. See, I guess I still see restaurants as places where you go, you order, you eat, and you leave. The whole coffe house, hang out at Starbucks was big when I was in college, but, that just wasn’t my bag. Plus, I didn’t really start to drink coffee ’til I was a junior in college, and by then I was quite happy with my seat at the library. It was there or the Shoneys out by the highway when we pulled all nighters, but getting a ride off campus wasn’t always the easiest thing to do, and nothing was close to campus.

Anyhow, I was a little nervous, I have to admit. Unlike some people, I’m not that confident in doing things like this alone. I enjoy being with others. On top of that, places like this tend to intimidate me when they make it impossible to order coffee by name. It’s almost like being in a foreign country. Actually, it reminds me of trying to order tea with cream and sugar in New Zealand. I distinctly recall standing in a bakery in Queenstown, NZ trying to figure out how to order a tea with cream and sugar. I had mastered ordering pies after meeting a Kiwi on my flight into Auckland who not only showed me the sights of the city, but, introduced me to the variety of pies found everywhere in the small country. I’m part English, have been a tea drinker all my life, and couldn’t for the life of me figure out this half white, half and black, whatever it was that they called it. I just wanted a tea!!

I digress. My hesitation at ordering coffee in commercial, or even local, coffee places is based on my own insecurity, but, suffice it to say I don’t generally enjoy having to learn how to order something as basic as a coffee. This is one of the reasons I opted for Panera. They offer coffee. And it’s good. And I can refill my cup. Enough said.

As I drove from my house, I felt a little strange. I’m not used to doing for me. This is a common thing among women, among moms. We get so used to doing for others that we lose sight of what it’s like to do for ourselves. I focused on this as I got out of my car. Donned in the only pair of jeans that fit me right now (which were hand me downs), my Eastland shoes my mom got me at least 8 years ago, my husband’s old sweatshirt, I realized how little I’ve done for myself over the years. I can’t even tell you the last time I shopped for myself. Part of this is due to lack of funding for such an operation, but I have always had a hard time spending my money, especially on ME. Ugh, it’s so annoying. Now, I have likely painted a picture of some perfect candidate for the show What Not to Wear, but I assure you it’s not that bad (wait, don’t they all say that???). My point is, I neglect myself, and as I walked into the place, I was glad I had taken on this assignment for me time.

I approached the counter after seeing that they did have some flavoured coffees on tap. Whew. I don’t inherently like the taste of coffee, and I pretty much have a little coffee with my cream and sugar. Then I realized that they have some appealing breakfast options which would not break my small bank (pocket). Another sigh of relief.

I ordered, grabbed my cup, receipt, and square “your order’s ready” contraption and found a booth to sit in. The two comfy arm chairs (yes, only two, grrrr) were taken, so I opted for a booth, figuring I’d move to a table if the place got real busy. Luckily, it didn’t, at least not that I was aware. I say that because, as I’d mentioned, I brought a book. Not just any book, some might say. I brought with me my borrowed copy of Twilight. The rock I live under isn’t big enough to shelter me from the phenom that is this book series. I also am witness to the craze every day in my close-knit online community of moms that I’ve been part of for the better part of my daughter’s life. A coworker of mine read the books and lent them to me on a “return them whenever you’re done” basis. I was an avid reader as a kid until high school when reading was assigned, not just for fun. I think that’s really when I lost my childhood interest in reading. Of course, that’s not to say that I didn’t read an occaisional book for fun, not like I did as a kid. I brought the book with me figuring that I’d look less silly being in a restaurant alone if I had my nose in a book, and if it didn’t hold my interest, I’d leave and find something else to do and somewhere else to go.

So, I entered the world of Twilight this morning. I’m learning about Fords, WA and the strange people that live there. As I sat reading the book, I peered up only a few times, seeing the other patrons order their morning fare and find that just right spot to enjoy it in. Watching people order their food and look for a seat can be entertaining at times. At one point, a younger couple, I’d say in their late 20’s, came in and got their coffees. They looked over the layout of the place, then she took one for the team and roamed the aisle, examining the seating for that just right spot for her and her male companion. It didn’t take her long to come back and shake her head, indicating that nothing in that direction was suitable. I peered out of my booth after they turned the other way and noticed that most of the booths were empty, as were the two-seater round tables further down. I don’t know what criteria they had for their just right spot, but, apparently they weren’t met in that direction. I didn’t bother to see if they stuck it out at the front of the restaurant, I just went back to my book and experienced Bella’s first day at her new high school.

A nice couple in their 40’s or 50’s sat in the booth across the aisle from me with a newspaper and a book. They had coffee and I don’t believe either of them uttered more than a few words the whole time they were there. In fact, at one point I looked in their direction and saw a father daughter team in the same spot. Either I was engrossed in the book or they were really stealth, as were the father and daughter. Hm. The father and daughter were dressed nicely, probably for church or something, so I could tell that they weren’t out just giving mom a break. It was really cute, and you could tell the little girl, probably around 7 or 8, was proud to be out with her Daddy carrying her purse and wearing a pretty skirt with party shoes. Does anyone call them that any more, ‘party shoes’?

I wasn’t expecting the book to read as easily as it does. I’d been told over and over how easy a read it was, but, usually when I hear that it turns out to read like The Oddyssey, anything but what I would call easy. This, though, really is easy and I flew through 60+ pages that I read this morning. Having only gotten through roughly 4 chapters, I will reserve any review of the story itself, but will admit that I’m enjoying it and can envision carving out some time to read it throughout the coming weeks. Not sure it will take me that long, but, my reading time is scarce and once it’s dark outside, an open book is as good as NyQuil for me.

My morning out, alone, was refreshing. As the clock rounded 10:00, I saved my page with a napkin, got my coat on, and topped off my coffee before heading to my car. I wasn’t leaving quite yet, I had one thing I wanted to do first. Barnes and Nobel. At a play date the kids and I went on yesterday, a great responsibility chart was recommended by the hosting mom. This thing is just what I’ve been trying to come up with myself for my kids (and myself). I spent my time on me and now I had to do something that would make me feel better, even if it’s kind of for someone else. I knew these cost around $20, and that’s really all I had on me, so I only was able to buy one today. I’ll get the second in a couple weeks after the next pay day (or I’ll get it online for less!). Honestly, despite the fact that I spent money, it made me feel better to get the chart, knowing that I could begin to apply the responsibilities and impending rewards with Ethel as early as today. This made me feel almost as good as treating myself to me time!

As I left, I felt relaxed, not worried about my day, and actually looking forward to time with my kids and husband. That hasn’t been the case for the past couple months, though. Funny how a mere couple of hours out of the house can recharge me. Even if it’s just for today, I’m happy to have had this time to read, drink coffee, and people watch. I look forward to doing it again next week, and more often as time goes by.