Patience: a virtue or a pain?

Tonight begins week two of physical therapy.  Here is my summary of week one:

•  Met Janette*, my first therapist.
• Janette was understanding, but, not easy on me.
• Janette sees that my abs are as strong as string cheese.
• I have to do clams, bridges, kegels, and stretch and use my foam roller.
• Dawn* is my other therapist.
• Dawn is chatty.
• Dawn gave me other exercises.
• I am weak as hell.

No, these aren't the key to abs of steel.

I did a core class last week, which I will continue.  I am still sore.  Class was Wednesday night.  I am weak as hell.

Honestly, this whole process is a little embarassing.  I mean, who wants to admit that they're so weak they can't get their shoulders off the ground for crunches?  When Dawn looked at me shaking and struggling on the balance board, I thought I must be the weakest, most unbalanced person on the planet.

That said, the core class kicked my gut, but, it was awesome.  I did what I could and wasn't judged for a single second.  Not out loud, at least.  I did what my body would allow without making excuses, and I did try to push myself.  As a result, it still hurts to laugh or sit up in bed!  I totally need core work, and I'm so glad I started this class.

I am trying to keep positive about this injury.  I'm not dying.  I'm not paralyzed.  I'm not facing terminal illness.  I know there are many people out there with worse injuries and illnesses.  I'm trying not to be whiny.  I'm trying to accept that this will take time.  I'm trying.  I'm really trying.

Every time I turn around I see a runner.  I see an e-mail about a race opening up.  I see messages between my teammates about long runs on the weekends, what time to meet, how far is everyone going.  It's annoying that I can't join them.  It's annoying.

Yesterday, I couldn't even hurry with the kids from the car to the store.  Imagine that, just trying to quickly get from point A to point B and my hip told me that was too much.  Not even a jog and my hip can't handle it.  Standing on my right leg, balancing to put on a pair of pants is too much.  It sucks, it totally sucks.

I have to trust that stretching, exercise and core work are going to help.  I have to trust that the work I'm doing will pay off and result in my getting out there and running again.  I have to believe that I will be stronger and better when I return.  I can't think any other way.  That would be too easy. 

My hip is sore this morning.  That's the only way I can describe it.  It's uncomfortable to walk.  Not painful, not terrible, but, uncomfortable.  You shouldn't 'feel' your joints when you walk, but that one I do feel.  And I can't balance on my right leg, the hip gets aggravated.  What the hell is wrong with my hip??

OK, I just had to get that all off my chest.  I'm done.  I have to be done.  I can't host a pity party if I have any hope of returning stronger and better than before.  I've got to just do the work and be patient.  That's the hardest part, patience.  I want an immediate fix.  I want to be able to just run.  I don't want to go far, I know I'll have to build up, but, I want to be able to do it.  Right now, I just can't.  "Can't" is a word I really don't like, and I am beginning to resent it.

I'll go back to PT tonight and report this feeling in my hip, and hope she tells me that it's because I'm working it, because it is responding to the exercises, and because it's normal. Hope.

I am filling with nervous energy the more I am unable to run.  I plan to buy myself a bike so that Hot Dad and I can take the kids out and ride on the weekends when the weather gets a little better.  Janette told me to get to the gym to do the bike and try to do some work in the pool, but I'm hesitant.  I am not a gym kind of girl, and can't see paying a monthly fee to sit on a bike that goes nowhere, or get in the pool and advertise the "two kids and a desk job" body I'm sporting.  Maybe after a couple months of core class, right?

It's hard to find a release that does as much for me as running.  I know, however, that to be a better runner, I need to do more for my body.  I need to cross train, work other muscle groups, and be patient.

The part of me that is getting the most exercise and needs the most training 

is my brain, and working on my ability to be patient.

I am learning, I am trying, but being patient is one of the hardest things for me to do. Forget my core muscles, forget my hip, the part of me that's working the hardest is my brain.

*Not their real names, because I don't use real names when I talk about people on the internet.