So I watched The Spirit of the Marathon. {hint: you can stream it through Netflix} Even if you're not a runner, it's an excellent documentary that follows pro and amateur runners as they prepare for the LaSalle Bank (now Bank of America) Chicago Marathon in 2005. I had to watch it in three parts because it was really emotional for me to watch these people training. Just seeing them all running was a bit much. Yesterday when I picked up watching again, a few of the runners were going through injuries. This part was relatively easy to watch, until I watched Deena Kastor doing aqua jogging, something I wish I had easy access to. Watching her on the bike and in the water made me realize that my lung capacity and endurance are suffering and will make it more difficult for me when I get back on the road. Anyway, I finished it this morning, cried, but loved it. A great film, and an inspiration. I can't wait to start training for the marathon now.
The kids both know Mommy can't run, not even from the car to the doors of the restaurant. I held Fred's hand Saturday night as we walked toward the mall where the restaurant is, and Hot Dad and Ethel started running so they could beat us. Fred said, "We don't have to be first, Mommy. Your leg hurts". Heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time.
I just want to get out and run. I want to be able to do a sit up and not look like I'm trying to lift an elephant. I want to be able to say I'm really working as hard as I can at this. I want to look back and be able to say I did everything I could. I think I am, but I want to be sure I have no regrets.
This is just so frustrating. A couple of my teammates have joined me on Injury Island, and while that doesn't make me better, at least I know there are others that I know personally that I can compare notes with, and share "I wish I were running" stories with. As one of my running friends recently said, we're doing something good for our bodies, why the injuries?
I know that I started out as a runner, so my return won't be as difficult as it might be if I'd just started running. That doesn't make it any easier.
My first race of the year is in three weeks. I am nervous, and not nervous about my time or how I'll run, I'm nervous about whether I'll be able to run the whole thing, how I'll feel, and how I'll get myself back up to the 8K distance between now and then. I'm nervous about how I'll be, mentally, and whether I'll let myself have a decent race, or whether I'll be questioning every little twinge, feeling, or pinch I might feel. I'm nervous about whether I'll feel those things. Simply, I'm nervous, nervous like I've never been.
I struggle with pushing through a little pain versus respecting the pain. Am I being wimpy? Is all this therapy overkill? Or should I take more of a break and give it more time? I'm left to wonder. I don't know how I'll do unless I go out and try a short run. Then again, if I haven't given it enough time, even a short run would be too much.
How do you know much time is enough and when is too soon?
I have to be done obsessing for now. I'll come back to it again tonight after therapy over a glass of wine.
Huge hugs! I know you are having a hard time with this. I hope that you continue to heal quickly! It's so hard when we can't do something that we really love to do.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself a break and don't be too hard on yourself. You will come back when you are able to. You aren't being wimpy and you know it. Therapy, to me is like any higher education- can't be bad for you. Yeah- those documentaries on running are sometimes gut wrenching.
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