Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Opening doors

I spent the lunch hour with my new friend today.  I have to get these thoughts out before they disappear, and they're flowing too quickly for me to hand write. :)

First, she reassured me that I'm in a discovery mode since we diagnosed the ADD.  I'm connecting dots between my present and my past.  The dots have always been there, I'm just adding the connections now, so things I've always known are taking on new meaning for me.  This is, apparently, normal and is a positive step.  Whew!  I mentioned how much of what I remember from my past makes quite a bit of sense to me now.  My Sunday me time was a bit of a challenge because I'd been out later the night before, so I was pretty tired.  It's normal for people to not be at the top of their game when they're tired, and for me it's a little more challenging as I deal with the symptoms of ADD.  Never was that more painful for me than when I was a child.  I don't function well on little sleep, and now that whole thing has come together in my mind.  I wasn't a bad kid, and things I did and said weren't just part of my personality.  There's the key.  I can now recategorize things about myself!  It's not "just how I am" or "part of my personality".  It's a result of the ADD (in many cases), and my personality has been shaped as a result of the way I do things or the way I handle things.  Very intersting perspective.

I went on to talk about my Fancy Nancy day with Ethel this weekend.  Somehow this snowballed and morphed into a discussion about my parents, their parents, and it just flowed from my mind.  I talked about my father quite a bit, which is the first time I'd brought him up to my new friend.  It was interesting how my father from my childhood could have as much to do with my expectations of my husband's role in my life as it does.  I think another door has opened which I should enter and explore what's inside.

I feel less blame on myself as Mother today.  I feel actually that I'm doing a decent job, and I'm doing right by my kids.  I don't always feel that way, but, after my lunch hour with my new friend, I do feel a bit better.  I look forward to another lunch with my new friend, and exploring what's behind more doors.