Week one down, 22 days to go

An easy start to day 8

One week down, only three more to go. Easy enough, right? Not so fast. This is far from easy.

On day one, I had a rush of panic in the middle of the morning. My brain flipped out. Not sure what the problem was. It's not like I've been snacking, eating crap, or binging for any recent period of time, but, knowing that those things are not part of the next 30 days really set in. Day one ended without a cheat or fumble, and all was well with the world.

The World Series happening on days one and two certainly didn't help me, but, I didn't let it derail the train. Luckily for my W30, I'm not a stress eater, rather, I can't eat. My stomach was in knots until Saturday, day five, so any thought of snacking or non-compliant cravings was really a non-issue. I even survived the downtown parade and celebration without even a coffee or adult beverage. How? I honestly don't know, but, my mental game is totally in check at this point.

Go Cubs go!!

 The #1 question I got about my Whole30 at a party on Saturday night was, "Why?". Why am I doing this? Why November? Why not in January? My answers sort of surprised even me. I don't think I'd truly thought too much about the 'why' of it all. Sure, some weight loss and feeling better were benefits, but, really......why?

Why am I doing this?
I want to feel better. I want to learn more about how my body reacts to different things I eat, so I know what causes my bloating, fatigue, and what impacts my ADD symptoms. I want to break some bad habits. It's been over three years since I did my first Whole30, and I've gotten off track with my good eating since then, developing some pretty bad habits in that time. I drink too much too often, and I make poor choices when I am hungry.

Why November?
I've spent the better part of a year now trying to get myself to put my fitness and health first. There is never a "good time". Initially, we didn't have much planned during November. I have mentally prepared myself to do this for a couple of months. We are home more now that it's fall, and I'm able to spend more time cooking and developing better habits regarding what I cook. I knew that by the time Ethel's birthday party weekend (19th) and actual birthday (26th) rolled around, I'd be well into the swing of things, and on my way to the finish line. I am confident that at Thanksgiving, I can handle myself, as well. I know that I can bring a side dish, then I will have turkey and my side, and any veggies or fruit that are there, and I'll be fine. I'm really not intimidated by Thanksgiving this year.

As for the question of why now, why not after the first of the year -
Starting in January seems much harder to me. After the gluttony that surrounds the holidays, it seems that it would take quite a bit more effort to adjust to things like not having my coffee, not having any wine with dinner, and not enjoying some of the treats I might otherwise reach for. I need to reset my mindset. I need to go into the holidays feeling good to start with, not feeling like I'm tired, unable to focus, and run down. With SAD season in full swing, it's also imperative that I keep those negative food influences to a huge minimum. I just felt like if I don't do this now, I know I'll continue on the path I've been on, and will be farther away from my overall fitness and health goals. I want to lose some weight and feel better in my own skin. I've been miserable for way too long.

I'm on day 8, and after a whirlwind weekend, I'm feeling pretty good. Days 6-7 are said to be the days your body wants nothing more than a nap. Well, we just had the fall time change, so mornings are a little easier for the next few days. The evenings and nights are when it's going to be tough. I was ready for bed at 7:30 the other night. After working all day today, tonight should be rather interesting. Today I feel as if I might have lost a little weight. I do see less bloat in my belly, and I do feel "lighter". I feel better. I know it will get worse before it gets better, and I'm just glad that's going to hit during the week rather than on the weekend. I have less access to eating crappy when I'm at work than I do at home.

I really feel that I'll come out better on the other side of this 30 days. It's not rocket science. This isn't an impossible mission. This is a change, one that I needed to make for myself. I am happier waking up not feeling bloated, tired, and unfocused. And now that the World Series is over, I can get back to my normal evening routines and normal bed time!

Not a Pintrest mom

Sure, I have a blog. That's about as fancy as this mom gets. I also have ADD, which is a big contributor to my absence from blogging the last couple years. I get easily overwhelmed when life is happening, so trying to capture the flurry of activity in my brain for someone outside that brain to digest is often impossible for me. When you're responsible for two smaller-than-you humans and everything that has to do with their everything, something has to give. Unfortunately, as much as I love being here, blogging is expendable in my daily life. Add that the laptop at home died, and there you have it, folks.

That said, my brain almost literally explodes at the thought of more digital influence in my life. We have cable TV, I have a cell phone, a Facebook account, and I have this little blog. Oh, and a husband, kids, and a full time job outside the home, too. My little brain is pretty full trying to remember my kids' names, where I work, and all the millions of passwords for different web sites, all of which are "unique" and "smart" (most are smarter than I). Every so often I get to read a book (made out of paper) for my book club and try to retain what I've read so I can talk about it when we gather.

I derail somewhat easily when I'm not "in the zone". OK, so I just derail easily. It can take me just a few minutes to pound out a blog entry, or even a lengthy e-mail, when I am inspired. When I'm not inspired or "in the zone" it can take days. I've started blog entries countless times over the last two years, even ones which have a specific topic or purpose. Suddenly, the wind blows, I see dishes in the sink, I have to eat, I have to pee, wait - shiny rock! I rethink sentences, rewrite paragraphs, delete, rewrite, then I decide to try again later. Later becomes next week, next month, you get the idea.

If I had to try to keep track of pins, boards, swipes, taps, whatever - I'd lose my sanity and most likely my job. I have enough time suckers as it is. They're 11 and 9 years old. It's bad enough to try to set Candy Crush aside for 9 hours while I'm at work, but, if I knew that there were cute crafts and life hacks that could help me bond with my kids or save me money and time, I would go insane! Seeing how inept I am when it's tossed at me on Facebook is one thing, but for entire websites to tease and taunt me, my self-esteem would take a huge nose dive. It's hard enough to make sure I am tucking the right kids into bed at night, I can't keep track of the millions of cute ways to use clothes pins.

I have recommitted myself to my health, my fitness, controlling ADD symptoms and improving my focus. Much of this is thanks to putting healthy eating back to the forefront. I find that when I'm focused on eating well, back to my Paleo ways, my mind does much better. When I'm running more, my sanity is much better. My hope is that I can keep eating right, blog when I think of it, and get my body running more miles.

That's all for now. It's time to get more coffee and brace myself for the last day of school. Until the next entry...

I don't have AD...wait, a squirrel!

There is so much I could say about living as an adult with ADD.  I would, in fact, but, I can't organize all my thoughts into something coherent that would be worthy of someone spending time reading it. Just getting to this entry has taken me weeks.


As a parent, as a mom, I can clearly see the impact of my ADD because it comes out in my family, specifically my kids. I can't organize my own time, my own life, how can I expect my children to be any better? How can I expect them to keep their rooms clean when I don't keep up with my own, let alone the rest of the house? How can I expect them to know what needs to be done, when I am too overwhelmed to know, myself? How can I teach my kids good time and money management, when I don't practice it, myself?

When did she have time to do her hair?

Once I start these questions, I begin the game of self-blame. It's my fault. I am not doing my job. I'm not an effective parent. I am breeding the behaviour, the problem, and not acting as part of a solution. But what's the solution? I'm not cut out for this.


Once that begins, it's not long before the defeat sets in. Suddenly, the hole gets deeper, and the light outside gets more dim. Before long, I've managed to convince myself that only something drastic will help solve this pickle I've gotten myself into, and I must act NOW.

NOW usually involves a frantic day cleaning the house, going through a closet, or rearranging the furniture in a room or three. With a weekend of frenzy behind me, I turn around and there is yet another pile of stuff that I hadn't seen in the madness, and I'm back to square one. I have to start all over again and tackle this pile. Will it ever end?

Now I'm paralyzed. I can't see past the things I haven't done, or how to upkeep the things I have. Before I know it, everything is back to the same state of disarray it was in when I started my frenzy. At this point, a child usually wants something to eat, needs me to do something for them, or decides it's a good time to piss the other kid off and start a battle royale in the living room.

Forget Calgon...wine...take me away!

I have a supportive husband who keeps up with the dishes, and is often found doing the kids' laundry. I can't wait 'til those little buggers can reach the washer and dryer themselves. All kidding aside, I wouldn't be able to keep what little sanity I have if it weren't for Hot Dad.

Wine Running has also helped me curb some of the madness that comes along with ADD. Changes in my diet have also helped curb some of my symptoms, and helped my mind see things in a more positive light. I have more patience with my kids after I run, which is something I make a conscious effort to show every day.

Mommy running, by Ethel

There are times when it feels like there will never be a light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, who am I kidding, end? What end? Other times, though, I realize that it's all just one day at a time. I need to take things slowly (no easy feat for me), and not worry about everything all at once.

I'm doing my best to get there. I really am. I'm not certain why I wrote all this out. I think my mind needed to dump a few things, it's gotten pretty overloaded over the last few days. I guess if you got this far, I say thank you. I'm doing my best to make time to get back to the blog. And next time I see you, I will likely have a glass of wine in my hand, or be sweaty from running. What some might find crazy, I find to be necessary for survival. Oh, and chocolate. Chocolate is vital to making it through the tough times. And it pairs well with wine. Especially after a run. I digress....imagine that......

Mommy's Project 52:16 Organizing

I am a first born.  I am a Virgo.  These two things together make for one very Type A personality, one which thrives on order, obedience, and routine.  I also have ADD.  That alone makes for one scattered, busy, obsessive, and disorganized person.  Add ADD to a first born Virgo, and that's one hot mess.

This is the real sign of a Virgo

While thriving on order and routine, I am easily taken off track, I get distracted rather easily, and become disorganized in a flash.  As hard as I try, it seems nearly impossible to stay neat and orderly sometimes.  Even my mind becomes a mess of lists, ideas, plans, and tasks.  Having two small children, it seems that any time I get one area of the house cleaned and organized, it's only a few minutes before the tornado goes through and everything is a virtual disaster.  Let's not even think about my desk at work.  Don't even start with keeping track of any of our social lives, either.  Sigh.

That said, I never, OK rarely, let the house get to a point where A&E would want to come film us for a special on hoarders homes in disarray.  I have learned over the years to let things take their natural course and do my best to keep things from sending me over the edge.  I do need order for my own mental health, but, I've learned to cope with an environment that is not entirely neat and tidy, especially since having children.

I stopped short of putting them
in alphabetical order

My fridge is always an OCD dream.  Everything in its place, everything facing front, and lined up nicely.  We do our best to keep the shoes from overtaking the family room and entry way, but pretty often we're tripping over our own feet shoes.  My pride and joy, though, is my car.  It's my sanctuary, of sorts, and it's the one area that I have full and complete control over.  No food, no drinks, no mess.  Just the interior, two car seats, and my reusable shopping bags stacked nicely in the back.  Ah, serenity. 

Doesn't look like much, but it's kid crap nirvana for Mommy

In 2010 we embarked on a project to make our basement a functional space rather than the place we just shoved the kids' toys and a big TV in hopes that someone would find it appealing.  It's an unfinished basement, and we needed to give the kids their own place while preserving somewhat of an adult space, where we weren't all on top of each other while enjoying the basement.  But what to do with the four tons of art project stuff, 10,000 pieces of plastic food, and countless items that the kids collect over time?  We had some shelves which we were originally using for storage, but decided they were better put to use for the kids' stuff.  We now have a fully organized space where the kids have their own area, and we have an area for storage of holiday stuff and all that crap you can't get rid of. 

Single file lines, just like in school

In 2011 our big organizing project was the that doesn't have a place so put it in there guest room.  This included a wall system by Elfa, which we hoped would minimize the space needed for the computer, books, and give me an organized space from which to pay bills.  I will never be called to have my room photographed for one of their catalogs, though.

Now to organize the organizer....

I can't read magazines like Real Simple or Better Homes and Gardens, I get too overwhelmed, then disappointed.  I can declutter with the best of them, but keeping it that way is my biggest challenge.  Luckily, I've adapted and can tell you where something is without much thought.  It may be in a pile or under some papers on the counter, but I know where it is. 

Me time, week 9

The week started with a glimmer of spring.  Really it did.  You wouldn't know it today, though.  I sit here in my spot at Panera, overlooking snow covered grass, trees, and bushes.  What happened to warm temperatures, bright blue skies, and the sound of children finally escaping the confinement of winter?  Sadly, it's taken a break.

Last weekend we began our spring cleaning.  I made a list of things to do and we got one room mostly done.  We filed away the stacks of papers, sorted through over a year's worth of art projects from both kids, and purged lots of unnecessary paperwork.  I made folders for things in the file cabinets, and the desktop is now free from clutter and piles.  Part of what is going to help me with ADD is being free from clutter and distraction.  Making a place for everything from bills to art projects makes me feel so much better.  I don't feel as anxious when I enter the guest room where the computer is.  The room feels more functional and peaceful.  Our next step in that room is to minimize the desk and install shelving to house the computer, printer, and fun trinkets that we like to keep on display in there.  After a trip to the Container Store last weekend, I became inspired, and made a plan for the room.  Can't wait to get it going.

Today we'll tackle our bedroom.  They say your bedroom is your sanctuary and should be a place to find calm, quiet, and relaxation.  Right now, you can find dust, laundry, and more dust.  Today we will deconstruct the room and clean it from top to bottom.  I cannot wait to crawl into bed tonight in my clean, hopefully organized room.  I've toyed with posting pictures on HGTV.com Rate my Space but haven't done so yet. 

One thing that's bugging the bejeezus out of me right now is that our camera, our Canon Power Shot A590 IS won't keep a charge, or so it appears.  After replacing the coin battery and both AA's, it still won't power up, or it takes two pictures and tells me to change the batteries.  I JUST DID!!!!  Honestly, it's become my mission to fix this darn thing.  I know of a couple camera shops in the area, but, am determined to figure out the problem myself.  I did read online somewhere that there was a problem with the battery contacts which is prevalent with the A590 IS, but, only saw that once on a Q&A page.  Will be researching more today.

As everyone knows, it's March Madness.  Yes, our house is generally consumed this time of year with brackets, squares, and lots of quality time with CBS and CBSSports.com.  This year, Daddy and I didn't buy into any squares, but, we're crazy with our brackets.  My alma mater didn't make it to the Big Dance this year, unfortunately, so I was left to struggle with actually putting together a bracket based on season records and injury reports.  My current feeling on the tournament - who really cared about the Midwest region anyway, right?  Ya, Kansas and Georgetown stung me in one bracket.  That's alright, I have one bracket still alive and I hope the rest of round two today goes better for me than yesterday.  My saving grace is that I'm not alone.  Well, it doesn't make it all better, but, at least some of the experts went down with me. 

I'm feeling pretty good about things today.  I have some positive energy, I feel somewhat rested, and am looking forward to all things spring and summer.  I'm relaxed here in my spot at Panera, and am looking forward to tuna steaks for dinner.   Yum. 

I need to plan my menu for the next two weeks, to include dinner next Sunday for Daddy's family.  He has recently reconnected, after 7 years apart, with one of his cousins from his father's side.  It's been a long time since we've seen or talked with anyone from this side of Daddy's family, and he is very much looking forward to it.  Cousin #1 will be coming with her three children and her father, Daddy's uncle.  My plan is to clean my house top to bottom and wow their pants off.  I love to entertain, so I'm going to try to plan a meal that will bring the house down.  Need to think about appetizers and wine, and of course a yummy dessert.  Gonna take some thinkin', I think!

I guess Mother Nature has a plan for us.  I guess I should take the cold and snow as my clue to get working inside so I can sooner enjoy the outside.  When I think about it, that's just what I'm doing for ME.  I'm working on the inside of me so that I can enjoy all of what is around me.  My husband, my kids, my home, my friends, my world.  Funny how things all seem to work together.

Me time, week 8

Eight weeks.  I've been taking time for myself now for eight weeks.  Well, I missed a couple Sunday mornings, but the point is I've been thinking about ME for eight weeks now.  What a difference eight weeks have made.

Two months ago I was angry, tired, and disappointed.  I felt like I was at the end of my rope.  I needed a break.  I needed to reconnect.  I needed a change.  I reached out for help.

I met a new friend who helped me understand that what I was going through was not uncommon, but also not unimportant.  My challenges were just that, challenges, not obstacles.  I could work through the challenges, and I could free myself of the anger, fatigue, and disappointment.  Life as a working mom doesn't have to be an uphill battle.  It can be, and is, fun, fulfilling, and worthy.  I am worthy.  I am fun.  I am not crazy.

On this journey, I've found the inherent truth in the adage, "When Mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".  I've also uncovered, and come to appreciate, the unique aspects of what makes up me and the person that I've become.  One of those things is ADHD/ADD.  I've passed the "honeymoon" period of excitement and relief, and have arrived at the stage where the work begins.  I've spend the last month since my diagnosis piecing together aspects of my life which have been shaped by the ADD which I've dealt with, unknowingly, most of my life.  I've made the connection between things I thought I couldn't do, and living with something that simply makes those things more difficult for me to do.  I've come to see that there is little that I "can't" do, and that I'm really not as inept in many areas as I once thought I was. 

One of the ways I've come to reconnect is by carrying out the assignment my new friend gave me, which is to leave the house each week.  Leave the house, don't just sit in a room with the door shut trying to block out the chatter, cries for Mommy, and sounds that are going on in the house.  Not having any clue how to do this, I finally just picked a Sunday morning and left the house, and headed to a local Panera.  There, I got to know a cast of characters, both patrons and employees, who provided me with plenty of people watching material.  After a few weeks of going there, though, I lost the magic.  I wasn't drawn there any longer.  I could tell that I wasn't really spending time on me, I was spending time listening to the conversations, watching interactions, learning how people order their bagels, and getting annoyed by that damned bagel cutter.  I struggled with whether that was really my just right spot, or if it was time to find another.

Fast forward to today.  After a week off, it was time for me to leave the house for my Sunday morning me time.  Where would I go?  I seriously struggled with what to do.  I finally decided to head to the Panera closer to my house.  I chose Panera because I have a fun toy (which I'm writing on right now) that I wanted to try out.  Now that I've become comfortable with the concept of "hanging out" in one of these coffee venues, I needed a comfortable place to play with my new toy, but one which wasn't as busy as the other place.  I think I've found my just right spot.  This location is slightly smaller, much more open, and tons more inviting.  What a difference.  It's not quite as busy and is not in the center of town.  The staff are friendly, showed me the table where the coffee is, and I've seen most of the customers come in and be greeted with familiarity, as they are obviously regulars, or at least know the staff better than a first-timer like me.

In an area like this, just outside Chicago, it's easy to get lost.  Not just the directionally challenged kind of lost, but, lost in the proverbial shuffle.  On one hand, it's nice to know that everyone doesn't know every time you sneeze, fight with your spouse, or turn without using your turn signal.  On the other hand, it can be tough to have that Little House on the Prairie feeling of knowing your local business owners, knowing your neighbors, and knowing that your community is there for you when you need it.  It is possible, though.  I feel, in this one small spot in this one large city, that I'm comfortable and welcome.  This is a huge business, it's not a local shop (still looking for one of those, they're so few and far between any more).  Still, in this one store, I walked in and felt comfortable.  Perhaps I wouldn't have felt so out of place that first week if I'd been in here. 

Anyway, this time I've been taking for myself has allowed me to recharge a little and refocus on the positive.  It's given the kids time to reconnect with their Daddy.  It's given us all that little break we were all needing.  Now, Momma's happy.  Now I think we're all happy.

Me time, week 5

This week I decided to do my me time another day, since today is Valentine's Day.  It's not a huge deal between my husband and I, but I thought it would be nice to spend the day together.  The whole day.  Plus, Ethel is totally into Valentine's Day, so I wanted to be around for the morning at least and give the kids cards and a small token that Nani mailed to each of them. 

Fred woke early again today, a pattern he started in the middle of the week.  This morning he held off until 5AM, so that was a lucky break.  Even being Daddy's day to get out of bed with the kids, I jumped out of bed as soon as I heard Fred open his bedroom door.  Daddy's reflexes are quite dulled in slumber, so I took this one for the team.  Fred agreed to turn on a light and play in his room, and he did so for about an hour and a half.  I have to admit (now that the sun is up and I've had some coffee), he was really sweet as he played with his cars in his room, quoting Dinosaur Train, singing songs, and organizing the cars by color.  I still dozed on and off until he finally exited his room, announcing that it was time to start the day.  He and Daddy brushed their teeth together and headed downstairs.  Ethel was still sleeping in her bed, having gone to bed late after a birthday party yesterday.

I somehow found sleep again and was able to keep my eyes shut and my mind turned off until about 7:30, when I decided to check the morning news franchises.  I'm a Good Morning America girl on the weekends, when I happen to catch the AM show.  It's been a while since I checked in on Bill and Kate, but, they haven't changed much since I last saw them.  Then I figured I'd check on Lester Holt over on Today, and learned about the Olympic happenings I'd missed while I was out last night, and couldn't keep my eyes open for later (sorry Apollo). 

I soon heard some noise from Ethel's room, and found her on her bed, having sorted the goodies from her adorable goody bag from yeterday's birthday party.  A cute Princess purse, one of those little metal ones with the beaded handle, filled with bubbles, some candy, and assorted other trinkets.  She's taken the candy aside, and then asked me to put it in the candy bin I have in the cabinet.  I guess my habit of scavenging the kids' goody bags over the years have paid off, as Ethel readily offered the candy for storage, rather than pulling the covers over her head attempting to hide while eating a Butterfinger.  I dutifully agreed to put the candy away for her, and she opted to play with her goodies instead of joining the boys downstairs and getting some breakfast.

Eventually she conceded and Daddy and the kids had breakfast while I watched a little Teen Mom, 5 Ingredient Fix, and the Biography on Elton John.  I am a sucker for mindless TV, and the ADD lends well to my ability to channel surf and still keep up with each show. :)

Daddy came in about a half hour ago to wish me Happy Valentine's Day, and agreed that I would spend a little more time relaxing before joining the family.  After all, the last four Sundays I was already heading out the door at this hour.  I wiped the sleep from my eyes and headed down to get a coffee.  I was pleasantly surprised to see that Daddy had remembered to turn on the coffee maker for me.  Suddenly, the fact that the dining room light was on (something that would normally irritate me) was a non-issue.  I got my coffee and came back upstairs to find Ethel wearing the Snow White dress she'd worn to the birthday party (and last weekend to the story time), which I'd placed in the laundry basket last night.  None of this bothers me right now.  Rather than walk around the house and nit-pick, as I so commonly do, I am enjoying a relaxing morning.

I realize that the past four Sunday mornings have allowed the kids and Daddy to establish a morning routine which doesn't require whining for Mommy, nor Mommy's intervention.  My house is calm, my family is happy, and anything that needs to be done will be there when I decide to tackle it.  What a gift my alone time, my me time, has given me.  Even if the calm is disturbed, even if Fred has a "I've been up for four hours and I'm crabby" meltdown, I've had this moment to see how wonderful my family is.

I will probably take this weekend off from my me time, and that's fine with me.  I hope the girls behind the counter at Panera understand, and I hope they still have a warm hazlenut coffee for me next week.  I'll miss hearing about what the three ladies did this week, what movie pulled back guy recommends, and seeing the two guys who got the tall table last week.  Hopefully we can all start again where we left off when I return next week.  We'll enjoy our coffee together.  I'll do my reading.  My kids will have their time with their Daddy.  And I'll have my coffee.  Yum.

Opening doors

I spent the lunch hour with my new friend today.  I have to get these thoughts out before they disappear, and they're flowing too quickly for me to hand write. :)

First, she reassured me that I'm in a discovery mode since we diagnosed the ADD.  I'm connecting dots between my present and my past.  The dots have always been there, I'm just adding the connections now, so things I've always known are taking on new meaning for me.  This is, apparently, normal and is a positive step.  Whew!  I mentioned how much of what I remember from my past makes quite a bit of sense to me now.  My Sunday me time was a bit of a challenge because I'd been out later the night before, so I was pretty tired.  It's normal for people to not be at the top of their game when they're tired, and for me it's a little more challenging as I deal with the symptoms of ADD.  Never was that more painful for me than when I was a child.  I don't function well on little sleep, and now that whole thing has come together in my mind.  I wasn't a bad kid, and things I did and said weren't just part of my personality.  There's the key.  I can now recategorize things about myself!  It's not "just how I am" or "part of my personality".  It's a result of the ADD (in many cases), and my personality has been shaped as a result of the way I do things or the way I handle things.  Very intersting perspective.

I went on to talk about my Fancy Nancy day with Ethel this weekend.  Somehow this snowballed and morphed into a discussion about my parents, their parents, and it just flowed from my mind.  I talked about my father quite a bit, which is the first time I'd brought him up to my new friend.  It was interesting how my father from my childhood could have as much to do with my expectations of my husband's role in my life as it does.  I think another door has opened which I should enter and explore what's inside.

I feel less blame on myself as Mother today.  I feel actually that I'm doing a decent job, and I'm doing right by my kids.  I don't always feel that way, but, after my lunch hour with my new friend, I do feel a bit better.  I look forward to another lunch with my new friend, and exploring what's behind more doors.

It's official

Today I got the official diagnosis, I definitely have ADD. What a relief.

I really enjoy talking with my new friend for many reasons. She's easy going, but, straight forward. She's factual without going over my head. She's genuinely concerned, and understands. She's not judgemental. She is there to help me. Conversely, I'm ready for the help.

My head has filled with memories of the past over the last couple of days since we first talked about ADD. So many things started to make sense, so many judgements I've made of myself have been proven false, and many others proven true. I actually realized yesterday that I have some awesome strengths. That was probably the first time that I've had such a thought. All these things about myself which are related to the ADD, I usually thought were negatives. Now I realize that they are not bad things, and they can be used to my advantage!

We did an assessment today, to confirm and officially diagnose the ADD. After rating a series of questions from zero to three (zero = the absence of; three = extreme presence of), there was no doubt that my new friend had hit the nail on the head. It was very interesting listening to the questions, and realizing that all these things about me were for a real reason. I'm not just stubborn, impatient, and judgemental of others. I'm actually moving so quickly that I get frustrated easily when others aren't moving at the same speed. And, that speed is quicker than most others around me. Sometimes, even I can't keep up.

What keeps coming to mind for me is my kids. I need to be able to slow down enough that I will be able to recognize the symptoms in my kids. I want to be able to parent them the way they deserve to be parented, rather than be the nagging, expecting-too-much kind of mom for whom nothing is good enough. I want to be able to slow down long enough to enjoy activities with my kids, and enjoy their enjoyment. I want to be able to listen to them without them feeling like I'm not really there. I want them to grow up able to cope with school, friends, and life in general. I don't want them to have to feel that they don't measure up, and try to over compensate in other ways.

I want my daughter to feel pretty. I want my son to feel handsome. I want both my kids to feel valued, wanted, and able. I don't want to get in their way just because I can't wrap my head around getting through the day.

I feel empowered as a mom because I now have the awareness, the tools, and the knowledge to watch my kids, and offer them guidance. I can take steps to help them if they need it, but also to let them flourish in their own ways without making them feel that their own way is the wrong way, or isn't good enough. By healing myself, I can be a better mom.

My new friend and I talked today about my relationship with money. We identified and agreed that the relationship isn't truly about money. There's something else there. There's something behind the self-deprivation, the self-denial, the negative feelings that come to the surface with money. All the money in the world won't change the feelings that exist, and that's the core I need to reach for and explore. What makes me so resistant to doing for me? It's more than the usual "mom puts herself last", which is common among mothers. I don't want to show my children that I don't value myself, and that I am not worth being valued by them. I want my kids to see their mommy as someone to look up to, to respect, and who is worthy. I don't want to be the Mommy who did without and became bitter and couldn't be a happy person. I certainly don't want my children to become any of those things. So, it's time to break that pattern in myself, and find the real me.

I have now left the computer at least four times. Twice to go to the kitchen and come back empty handed, twice to go into my daughter's room to intervene as she made mess after mess, rather than cleaning up one thing before moving on to another (per the rule in the house). Now I understand why some of the questions on the ADD assessment were about whether I tend to interrupt people when they're talking, or enter conversations I'm not initially included in. Blush, blush..... :)

So, I have to figure out why I deny myself. Why do I neglect me? What is it from my past that caused me to develop this way of thinking? Then, how do I correct it? I am anxious to get to the root of that so that I can finally treat me, and in turn, be more giving in the right ways to my family.

The journey has only just begun, so I'd better get my seat belt on and buckle up for the ride.

Three little letters....

...which aren't very little.  They've actually put my life into perspective.  They've changed the way I think about myself.  They've made me feel pretty normal, and more accepting of the way I am.

Attention Deficit Disorder

OK, so what's the big deal about those three letters?  They have explained much of who I am today.  The struggles I've faced with so many things in my life are explained by ADD.  My new friend and I were talking more today, and she told me that she feels that I have ADD.  I cried tears of joy after hearing her say that.

Nobody has ever been able to tangibly explain why I find myself unable to do things like send a letter, make plans in the near future, or comprehend something I've read.  In my youth, I was diagnosed with learning disabilities, primarily in math.  All the social workers, learning disability assistance, and tutoring didn't help me understand what I was being taught in school, or why it was so hard for me and not other kids.  

There are just so many pieces that have come together to complete the puzzle in my life, I just don't know how to put it into words.

As I sit here, I have so many thoughts spinning in my head, I can't stop them long enough to catch one and put it into words on this screen.  They aren't able to get from my brain to my fingertips.  I'll just try to brain dump.


I am clausterphobic, but I love crowds.
I love sports and can follow a game, but, can't remember what happened in the last period/half/quarter/inning.
If given $10, I can't spend it because I can't settle on what to spend it on.
I am super productive when my plate is full (even overflowing), but find it hard to complete one task when I have the time to do something uninterrupted.
I get bored easily.
I get frustrated when people move slowly, or not at my pace when we do something together.
I have over 350 friends on FB, and I have no idea how that number got so large.
I get overwhelmed quickly.
I start many things, finish few of them.
I thrive on structure, but, am sometimes lax within that structure.
I channel surf (quickly) on the radio in my car, and can tell you what each song is as I pass it up.
Oh, there are so many more.


I have been frustrated with myself for years, always thinking that I was just neurotic, crazy, or otherwise somehow deficient in some necessary skill that I should have.  Should I have it?  Why should I?  Because there's no reason I shouldn't have that skill.  Well, now there is a reason.


I probably have the skill, but putting it into practice is another thing altogether.  I can multitask 'til the cows come home, and people ask me how I do it.  I ask, in my mind, how they are unable to do it.  


As I sat in my new friend's office today, I could physically feel the difference in my chest as it relaxed, as it released, and as I accepted the words my new friend was speaking.  Seriously.


I would never allow myself to put a label on something about myself.  There are people in the world with real problems, real illnesses, but not me.  My new friend wholeheartedly disagreed.  She said there is something in me that exists, and is effecting my life, and can be treated.  Wow, there is an answer.  Someone else sees something about me and gave it a name.  I am not ashamed, I am not upset, there is nothing to be ashamed or upset about.  


I now have a name for what is behind my coping skills, habits, and other means of managing my life.  There is a way to help me with the difficulties I face each day because of those things.  And now that I have a name for it, I realize that this is a daily struggle.  Planning, scheduling, making lists, and having to follow the plans, schedules and lists.  I'm highly annoyed when something strays from those.  It's a miserable feeling when I can't keep up.  Of course, the pace is nearly impossible to keep up with, so it's a stage set for failure.  As a result, I compensate by adding another plan, schedule or list.  And so it goes.


I really feel redeemed.  I don't have to live this way any more.  I can work on ways to get past the disappointment, frustration, and depression I've been living with.


What makes me happiest is that I can work on my own behaviour, and emulate the right behaviours for my children, and try to lay some good groundwork for them so they don't learn the wrong ones from me.  My biggest fear has been that one or both of my children would "turn out like me". That is to say that they would self-deny, feel badly about themselves, or otherwise have the same frustrations and difficulties that I have because of something like ADD going undiagnosed.  Of course I can't prevent that altogether, I know this.  I can't make them perfect or free of difficulty in their lives.  What I can do is be a healthy mother, so they have a better chance of growing up healthy. 


There is a genetic component here.  I am not alone.  I come from a nice long line of folks with the same personality streak.  This didn't just happen to me overnight, in the last few years, or since I got married and had kids.  It is, however, something that I can live with, treat, and manage.  And, I can be happy.


After having my Barbara Walters "I said I wasn't going to cry" moment in my new friend's office, I really felt as if so many questions had been answered, and they were questions I had never even asked.  People talk about "breakthroughs" or having "that moment", and I honestly never understood what they meant.  Now I do, because I just had one today.  I had my breakthrough, I had that moment.  And it was so cool.


I have ADD.  There, now I said it.